My biggest fear always confronts me

The fear that defines me, Gianel, is one that has pertained to me all my life. I have a fear of being forgotten about. Yes, I know that God never leave me nor forsake me. But to be honest, I forget about that promise at times. My fear is in this world... that people I love and care for will forget me and choose someone else. Or they will forget me and keep going. Or that they will never see me when I'm right in front of their faces. It's lame, but what can I do... punch them in the face til they see me. No, I'll just suck it up and hope I don't do it to the next person.

I'm a horrible daughter.

that's all I can say for now.

I hate the feeling of incompetence. The feeling that you'll never amount to anything. I hate feeling that what you feel is important, isn't as important as a house chore. I hate being put down to the point that only you're trying to stand up for yourself, even though what you're saying is pushing you down more. I hate having to go through such verbal abuse that it's slowly killing you from the inside. I hate crying to myself and feeling so alone.

The only reassurance I get is from God. Because I know He's there to hold me in His arms. That even though I've shot myself and been shot at as well, He's there to make me feel better. To comfort His child.

I know I'm cared for, but words to hurt so many times. It's like a little prick at first, but if you keep poking the same spot over and over, it wound gets deeper and deeper and it takes longer to heal.

I feel like a failure that will never amount to much. I know I'm worth something, but it feels like there's not much there to fight for... to defend. No, it's not worth much... who cares if I'm not the greatest student who has to try even harder than others just to get that good grade. Obviously, I'm not enough to their standards. To everyone elses.

But I know God will take me as I am, because He has and that's all I have. I'm not perfect... I'm not a model person... but as long as I have Him, I know I'm worth more to Him than I will be anyone else. It hurts that others don't show that or even try to show that, but that's what I can learn from Christ, to show others that they're worth something more... that they deserve a love that's more than they ca comprehend.

It sucks not to get that kind of treatment always, but if I received it from Christ... I'll do the world something if I can give it back.

107th post

This will be my 107th post. I like that number. The past 106 blogs have been about nonsense, what I'm feeling, little vignettes and so on. I can't get back to sleep and this is rare thing because I'm a grandma and sleep by 11 at the latest.

But lately I've been feeling so morose. I try not to show it, and I seem to only blog about it. Have you ever seen that scene in movies or cartoons where there's a puppy in the pet store and everyone is picking out the other puppies to take home except for that one puppy that is left behind because it's not the cutest or well-groomed? Or when kids are picking teams to play a game and there is that one last kid, whom everyone knows as the weakest link, but this time they just leave that kid behind and start the game without him because it seems like the game would flow much better if that kid didn't play.

Cheez, I feel like that lonesome puppy or that weakling kid. I should really stop feeling sorry for myself, but I'm trying to pinpoint what went wrong. Why every ministry I was once a part of is no longer something I'm a part of. I used to think it was God trying to close one door so I can open up the door to Trinity, but I don't know if that's it. I have this lonely feeling and I only remember now the advice that I was once giving other people. God is taking aways things because He's trying to call me back to Him.

That's hard to wrap my mind around. I feel like such a horrible person and I can't help but have these stupid feelings, but as much as I feel bad for myself... I can't do anything about it. I need to just get away from it all. I need to refocus because the enemy keeps dangling my fears, worries, doubts, insecurites in my face... all the time. Not just half the time, but seriously all the time.

I think I've cried more than half this day because I'm feeling so smothered by the fact that I'm not involved and that everyone has something to do but me. I need to stop comparing myself and need to drop everything and follow Him.

Easier said than done... way easier. Let's see how this pans out... because I know this going to be a long and painful journey.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet,
and a light unto my path.
Psalm 119:105

I feeling like I'm losing myself. Not to a force, but I feel like I'm losing the essence of me. I feel like I'm losing what makes me, Gianel. Change is inevitable, growth is optional.

Does that apply to me? I believe it applies to everyone. I feel like I'm back in high school, so much internal conflict. There are so many worries that I know I shouldn't be worrying about, so why does it constantly linger in the back of my mind.

I refer to Auntie Agnes' blog about surrender, I really need to pray about this. I feel like I've surrendered, but I know I didn't entirely because here I am worrying about it. That's hard to admit. But it's true. I'm thinking about what my definition is in all parts of my life: home, school, church, relationships. I even found myself asking if I was significant. How sad am I... I know I am significant. God had given me so much and I know the truth, I know HIS truth. but I'm constantly feeding off of the lies of the enemy. Aaron said that I need to stop defining myself as the world would.

I need to sit down and pray, ferverently... because Lord knows I need it. These baby steps I've taken back to see where God leads me, I know, will bring me closer to God. There's a reason as to why I don't do the things I once did and why He presents a different path in front of me. As Leslie Ludy has said, I need to give the pen back to God so that He can continue writing my life... for I am not in control, God is.

Incompetence

That is my feeling. Gosh, I need to stop having self-pity.

So I applied to two schools this semester for their nursing programs, Trinity Western University and City College of San Francisco. I should have applied to more, but my laziness had taken over even that part. I should have researched more schools, but that's my bad. So my update is, I got on the waiting list for TWU and don't find until about City until maybe the 22nd or later.

Lord, I'm so anxious. I can't help but feel so bad for myself. Here goes my one friend applying to like 7 schools, with a 3.9/4.0 gpa and she gets into EVERY SINGLE SCHOOL she applied to, even the lottery ones. And I can't even get into 1 my second time around applying to schools. She's even younger than me. Everyone keeps saying to "pray about it" and that "maybe God has something different for you to do," but is it so wrong to wonder why? Why do I have to wait? Why do I have to suffer taking another semester of physics?

This is depressing. STOP IT GIANEL! I need to shut up and focus. This wallowing just takes up time and energy I could use to serve my Lord. I really need to pray about it because I can't focus on anything. Maybe this is the Lord trying to draw me closer to Him and rely on His plan. He knows I've been taking things into my own hands too much.

Deep inhale. Deep exhale. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. Prayer time.

I'm an emotional roller coaster.
I'm constantly bickering and picking fights with a love.
I barely talk to my closest friend.
I'm so bored at home that it's leading me towards craziness.
I'm constantly reminded of my applications.
I'm so distant from Him.
I'm hormonal.

It's just up and down for me. I keep thinking it's God preparing me for what's next. But what is next? My small faith for my own future is having me high then low in an instant. Lord, I want to lift my life to You. Only You can wipe away every tear and give me that comfort I'm looking for. And if You're already preparing me to be alone, away from what I'm used to, then, Lord, just prepare me and give me the faith I need.

I love You. I need you. Though my world may fall, I'll never let You go.