My biggest fear always confronts me

The fear that defines me, Gianel, is one that has pertained to me all my life. I have a fear of being forgotten about. Yes, I know that God never leave me nor forsake me. But to be honest, I forget about that promise at times. My fear is in this world... that people I love and care for will forget me and choose someone else. Or they will forget me and keep going. Or that they will never see me when I'm right in front of their faces. It's lame, but what can I do... punch them in the face til they see me. No, I'll just suck it up and hope I don't do it to the next person.

I'm a horrible daughter.

that's all I can say for now.

I hate the feeling of incompetence. The feeling that you'll never amount to anything. I hate feeling that what you feel is important, isn't as important as a house chore. I hate being put down to the point that only you're trying to stand up for yourself, even though what you're saying is pushing you down more. I hate having to go through such verbal abuse that it's slowly killing you from the inside. I hate crying to myself and feeling so alone.

The only reassurance I get is from God. Because I know He's there to hold me in His arms. That even though I've shot myself and been shot at as well, He's there to make me feel better. To comfort His child.

I know I'm cared for, but words to hurt so many times. It's like a little prick at first, but if you keep poking the same spot over and over, it wound gets deeper and deeper and it takes longer to heal.

I feel like a failure that will never amount to much. I know I'm worth something, but it feels like there's not much there to fight for... to defend. No, it's not worth much... who cares if I'm not the greatest student who has to try even harder than others just to get that good grade. Obviously, I'm not enough to their standards. To everyone elses.

But I know God will take me as I am, because He has and that's all I have. I'm not perfect... I'm not a model person... but as long as I have Him, I know I'm worth more to Him than I will be anyone else. It hurts that others don't show that or even try to show that, but that's what I can learn from Christ, to show others that they're worth something more... that they deserve a love that's more than they ca comprehend.

It sucks not to get that kind of treatment always, but if I received it from Christ... I'll do the world something if I can give it back.