My biggest fear always confronts me

The fear that defines me, Gianel, is one that has pertained to me all my life. I have a fear of being forgotten about. Yes, I know that God never leave me nor forsake me. But to be honest, I forget about that promise at times. My fear is in this world... that people I love and care for will forget me and choose someone else. Or they will forget me and keep going. Or that they will never see me when I'm right in front of their faces. It's lame, but what can I do... punch them in the face til they see me. No, I'll just suck it up and hope I don't do it to the next person.

I'm a horrible daughter.

that's all I can say for now.

I hate the feeling of incompetence. The feeling that you'll never amount to anything. I hate feeling that what you feel is important, isn't as important as a house chore. I hate being put down to the point that only you're trying to stand up for yourself, even though what you're saying is pushing you down more. I hate having to go through such verbal abuse that it's slowly killing you from the inside. I hate crying to myself and feeling so alone.

The only reassurance I get is from God. Because I know He's there to hold me in His arms. That even though I've shot myself and been shot at as well, He's there to make me feel better. To comfort His child.

I know I'm cared for, but words to hurt so many times. It's like a little prick at first, but if you keep poking the same spot over and over, it wound gets deeper and deeper and it takes longer to heal.

I feel like a failure that will never amount to much. I know I'm worth something, but it feels like there's not much there to fight for... to defend. No, it's not worth much... who cares if I'm not the greatest student who has to try even harder than others just to get that good grade. Obviously, I'm not enough to their standards. To everyone elses.

But I know God will take me as I am, because He has and that's all I have. I'm not perfect... I'm not a model person... but as long as I have Him, I know I'm worth more to Him than I will be anyone else. It hurts that others don't show that or even try to show that, but that's what I can learn from Christ, to show others that they're worth something more... that they deserve a love that's more than they ca comprehend.

It sucks not to get that kind of treatment always, but if I received it from Christ... I'll do the world something if I can give it back.

107th post

This will be my 107th post. I like that number. The past 106 blogs have been about nonsense, what I'm feeling, little vignettes and so on. I can't get back to sleep and this is rare thing because I'm a grandma and sleep by 11 at the latest.

But lately I've been feeling so morose. I try not to show it, and I seem to only blog about it. Have you ever seen that scene in movies or cartoons where there's a puppy in the pet store and everyone is picking out the other puppies to take home except for that one puppy that is left behind because it's not the cutest or well-groomed? Or when kids are picking teams to play a game and there is that one last kid, whom everyone knows as the weakest link, but this time they just leave that kid behind and start the game without him because it seems like the game would flow much better if that kid didn't play.

Cheez, I feel like that lonesome puppy or that weakling kid. I should really stop feeling sorry for myself, but I'm trying to pinpoint what went wrong. Why every ministry I was once a part of is no longer something I'm a part of. I used to think it was God trying to close one door so I can open up the door to Trinity, but I don't know if that's it. I have this lonely feeling and I only remember now the advice that I was once giving other people. God is taking aways things because He's trying to call me back to Him.

That's hard to wrap my mind around. I feel like such a horrible person and I can't help but have these stupid feelings, but as much as I feel bad for myself... I can't do anything about it. I need to just get away from it all. I need to refocus because the enemy keeps dangling my fears, worries, doubts, insecurites in my face... all the time. Not just half the time, but seriously all the time.

I think I've cried more than half this day because I'm feeling so smothered by the fact that I'm not involved and that everyone has something to do but me. I need to stop comparing myself and need to drop everything and follow Him.

Easier said than done... way easier. Let's see how this pans out... because I know this going to be a long and painful journey.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet,
and a light unto my path.
Psalm 119:105

I feeling like I'm losing myself. Not to a force, but I feel like I'm losing the essence of me. I feel like I'm losing what makes me, Gianel. Change is inevitable, growth is optional.

Does that apply to me? I believe it applies to everyone. I feel like I'm back in high school, so much internal conflict. There are so many worries that I know I shouldn't be worrying about, so why does it constantly linger in the back of my mind.

I refer to Auntie Agnes' blog about surrender, I really need to pray about this. I feel like I've surrendered, but I know I didn't entirely because here I am worrying about it. That's hard to admit. But it's true. I'm thinking about what my definition is in all parts of my life: home, school, church, relationships. I even found myself asking if I was significant. How sad am I... I know I am significant. God had given me so much and I know the truth, I know HIS truth. but I'm constantly feeding off of the lies of the enemy. Aaron said that I need to stop defining myself as the world would.

I need to sit down and pray, ferverently... because Lord knows I need it. These baby steps I've taken back to see where God leads me, I know, will bring me closer to God. There's a reason as to why I don't do the things I once did and why He presents a different path in front of me. As Leslie Ludy has said, I need to give the pen back to God so that He can continue writing my life... for I am not in control, God is.

Incompetence

That is my feeling. Gosh, I need to stop having self-pity.

So I applied to two schools this semester for their nursing programs, Trinity Western University and City College of San Francisco. I should have applied to more, but my laziness had taken over even that part. I should have researched more schools, but that's my bad. So my update is, I got on the waiting list for TWU and don't find until about City until maybe the 22nd or later.

Lord, I'm so anxious. I can't help but feel so bad for myself. Here goes my one friend applying to like 7 schools, with a 3.9/4.0 gpa and she gets into EVERY SINGLE SCHOOL she applied to, even the lottery ones. And I can't even get into 1 my second time around applying to schools. She's even younger than me. Everyone keeps saying to "pray about it" and that "maybe God has something different for you to do," but is it so wrong to wonder why? Why do I have to wait? Why do I have to suffer taking another semester of physics?

This is depressing. STOP IT GIANEL! I need to shut up and focus. This wallowing just takes up time and energy I could use to serve my Lord. I really need to pray about it because I can't focus on anything. Maybe this is the Lord trying to draw me closer to Him and rely on His plan. He knows I've been taking things into my own hands too much.

Deep inhale. Deep exhale. 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. Prayer time.

I'm an emotional roller coaster.
I'm constantly bickering and picking fights with a love.
I barely talk to my closest friend.
I'm so bored at home that it's leading me towards craziness.
I'm constantly reminded of my applications.
I'm so distant from Him.
I'm hormonal.

It's just up and down for me. I keep thinking it's God preparing me for what's next. But what is next? My small faith for my own future is having me high then low in an instant. Lord, I want to lift my life to You. Only You can wipe away every tear and give me that comfort I'm looking for. And if You're already preparing me to be alone, away from what I'm used to, then, Lord, just prepare me and give me the faith I need.

I love You. I need you. Though my world may fall, I'll never let You go.

Paul's letter to the Romans

Wow, a real page from the Book of Romans! Paul is awesome for writing most of the Bible.

So I did my devotional today on Romans 1, and wow. I haven't done a devotional for a quite a while, sad I know. But it's really convicting. Paul is so bold in proclamation of the Gospel. As it says in verse 16 (Adult Sunday School's memory verse)

For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes.

Awesome! I wish I could be like Paul, going to prison numerous times, yet having God bail him out like nothing. Paul is an apostle I admire.

The rest of the chapter talks of the unrighteous world and how they know of God yet have deceived themselves into pleasing and glorifying their own needs. I admit, I give into the world at times, but thankfully God's grace and mercy has been there to get me out into His light so that I may be the light of the world and the salt of the earth.

Pedicures

Ahhh... I remember my first pedicure. It was the day before my debut, 18th birthday celebration, I went with Ritz and Jessica to pamper ourselves. It was quite lovely... except for the the fact I kept laughing when they scrubbed my feet with the pumice stone. I couldn't help it, it tickled! And that's where it all started, my love for pedicures.

Unfortunately, they're expensive and not quite as good as the ones you give yourself. But hey, you pay for them to do it so you don't have to work at it yourself. It's an indulgence and there's nothing wrong with that.

Just about an hour ago, I gave myself one after MANY months. And my dogs were begging for one. I trimmed, soaked, pushed, nipped, scrubbed, dried, moisturized and painted them. NOW, they are pretty and ready for some spring time shoes. Hooray!

By the grace of God

Defined above, by Mac's dictionary, is the word grace. It certainly is a word that I, as a Christian, am thankful for. At times I know that I am one of those who have willingly gone against His word, but it is only through His grace that I am free for I have a God whose love surpasses all understanding. He loved me and saved me from the wretchedness of sins.
This morning I watched Chris Tomlin's video for Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) and I just have to say that THAT particular song, always convicts my heart in a way I cannot describe. There's link, and here are lyrics.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine

Infamous "To Do" List

Gah, so much things to do. February's craziness set me back a month.

1. Rec Position Paper
2. collect syllabi for specific classes
3. email syllabi to Jessica Stults
4. Reading for Rec
5. Read Ch. 7 & 8 in physics
6. HW due tomorrow
7. Apply for student loans
8. Look up classes for next semester

I have too much for only being a part-time student. Cheez.

Cheez it's March!

This year seems to be whizzing by! It just felt like New Year's Day in Auburn a few weeks ago. In two weeks, I'll be on Spring Break!

Well I haven't really written here much. I was so discouraged by the negative feedback, that I haven't been able to write my cool blogs. Haha... you know they're cool if you find yourself reading them.

So much has happened in the past two months already. I've applied to two nursing programs, and I think I've got one in the bag, but I try not to talk about it because I don't want to get my hopes up. I've gotten acceptance to that school, a $1500 scholarship and all I need is the OK for the school's program, still gotta wait one more month for that one. I went on my first approved date with Aaron, since we're constantly going out in groups or eating lunch because of school. It was nice to be dressed up and taken out. Home has been okay, trust is still being built.

This year, I lost one of my mentors, Tita Elsa Cabalu. It was very sad to know that the prayer warrior, Sunday school teacher, "mother" (as Aaron calls her) of our church has gone to be with the Lord. It was so sudden, so unexpected. But James brought up a good point, she was so vocal for the Lord, but what more if all the people influenced by her, stood up with her boldness, proclaiming the Gospel? I want to be like Tita Elsa, trying to share the Good News to my hairdresser.

I really miss her though. I miss her joking around with me. I miss making fun of her. I miss her calling me to take care of the kids at Prayer meeting. I miss her not wanting to be in the sun. I miss her packing food for me to take home to my mom, after prayer meeting. I miss her calling the house and saying "Hello Gianel... kamusta ka na? Where is your boy-priend?" I miss dancing with her when we hear good music. I miss her.

I can't believe she's gone. She was so loving, so forgiving. I often wished for my mom to have her loving qualities, to always be that person to say, "let's pray about it." Because that was what Tita Elsa was to me. She provided me with that ferverency for the Lord. I should have asked her to be my spiritual mentor before anything. I could have learned more before all this craziness. I would have driven to her. But I know she is in a much better place, free of all the burdens that this world has. Although I may be a bit envious, I know her work here was completed. She received that hug and greeting, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I miss you, Tita Elsa, but I know we will meet again one day.

PS: I updated my profile a bit. And I was inspired by Liana to put down the books I've read this year. I hope to read much more!

A post from one of my many accounts:

2/8/09 - Wiping Away the Tears

Today has been quite a stressful day. Waking up to a call at 1 am saying that one of your most beloved elders has suffered from a stroke, then a confirmed anuerysm, can take a lot out of you.

This morning I found out that the person was Tita Elsa. Tita Elsa, of all people. The person whose family I am so close to. The person I see every Sunday at church, every Monday at prayer meeting and the occasional Friday for Bible study. The person who always gave Giornel and I such awesomely unheard of candy whenever we would go to her house on Southgate. The person who has inspired me with the Word of God in every conversation we’ve had since I was 6-7 years old. The person whom I cried to when I felt like I had disappointed my parents. The person who has had two major surgeries on her braine today. The person who now lies in a bed in ICU, 2nd floor of the E-wing, in Stanford Hospital. The person whom everyone had shed a tear for at church this morning.

Waking up to that call was so surreal when it was a stroke. Then knowing she was “unconscious” had me crying. Knowing it was an anuerysm scared me. Being helpless didn’t help me sleep at all. Prayer was all I could think of, all I could do. And I’ll do just that:

Lord, I truly, truly, TRULY lift up to you Tita Elsa. She has always been that sweet, sincere, warm hearted person at church and in my life. She has been one of Your persistant servants, who has been joyful in serving you. She was the first person I met that prayed for hours at a time, and who is always fervent in prayer. Lord, I pray that you be with her. Intercede in her life, so that the swelling that is occuring may go down and that she may be one step closer to waking up. Lord, please be with the doctors and nurses as they help her recover from this ordeal. Also, please be with the Cabalu family, and give them the comfort they need… the comfort knowing that You are the Almighty Healer, that You have a great and perfect will for Tita Elsa. I pray that you give their family the strength and support they need as they try to make some sense in this trial. Lord, we would LOVE to see her smiling, joking and praising Your Name once again. We know that you will guide everything in Your time. I am so thankful to have been blessed with her presence in most of my life here, and I pray that her presence will still be around. All these things I pray, in the Name of the most powerful and almighty God, Amen.